Pfft.

I'm fucking textbook case.

That irritates me.

Way mild, though.

I also love Rob Zombie. I'm almost embarrassed by this, but, um, not really. Rob Zombie makes fantastic music. It's really hilarious stuff - you know, that really showy metal crap. With zombies and shit, I think. I don't even know, but it's really fantastic stuff.

"She's a killer! She's a thriller! SPOOKSHOW BABY!"

Not QUITE the worst day of my life.

But close enough. Blah, blah, blah.

Naw, man, I want to be happy, so I will be. You know why? I have magnificent teeth. Really, really magnificent teeth.

Can I get an amen, sunshine? I thought so.

But. I graduated. I got lots of gorgeous expensive jewelry and $600. I'm rich, baby. Because I'm doing a catsitting job (it pays ridiculously well because she's known me for so long, I guess) and I might be tutoring someone this summer. So I'm going to be rolling in it. I have my own cards. And I have fucking options. I like this. You have no idea how much I like this.

60 revolutions.

I'm a materialistic capitalist whore and proud of it. That means I get neat stuff if I lie well enough! I like that.

Plus I'm in the UCLA honors program YAAAAAAAAY!

Too bad I hate drunk people. My friend called me and was like "Robertina Gonzalez* I'm in love with you and I'm drunk." That's going to be the best conversation ever, later on. I need to talk to her about something else anyway.

Apparently "it never seemed relevant" isn't a very good excuse for keeping major secrets. It seemed like a good idea at the time...

*name changed to protect... well, myself

Sexuality!

I'm suddenly on a big sexuality kick. Why do people have specific sexualities? What makes the difference? I'm not arguing that it's a conscious choice, but is it completely inborn or is some of it formed by society? Considering how society views non-heterosexuals, how many people pretend to be or even believe themselves to be heterosexual when they aren't?

The really interesting question is this: why does it matter? In a perfect world, we'd all live as we pleased - heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, pansexuals, asexuals, people who just don't care, whatever. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen. I know I find the point of view of 100% heterosexuals/homosexuals to be completely confusing. It's hardly fair of me, considering it's (probably) not a conscious choice on their parts, but I can't keep my nose out of their business. I try not to judge them or treat them differently or anything, but it still utterly baffles me! To be fair, no, not utterly - it's a matter of taste, and everyone has different tastes. What I wonder is why we have our specific tastes. (Who votes for therapy? Therapy to make everybody the same! God, maybe I'll write a book about that. Bisexual indoctrination! I need to start working on my countertheories anyway, right?)

I probably ought to tell the Boy that I'm more or less bisexual (er, somewhere in between asexual (though hopefully that'll change at some point, because I guess having a sex drive is lots of fun or something charming along those lines), bisexual (though that seems so limiting), and pansexual (though I don't really know enough to say that yes, I'm attracted to everything), because I'm indecisive like that), because if he doesn't like it I'm not wasting any time on him. I'm tired of feeling like I have to avoid the subject every time some stupid person makes some stupid joke about gay people and bisexual people. Thank you, people in my French class. It'd be one thing if they were funny jokes... oh, and they need to lay off the mentally ill people too. If they aren't going to be funny. Either that or I need a new sense of humor!

It's amazing how relative everything is. Things that I think of as being good and bad are thought of as completely different by other people. It's been driving me up the wall recently. At some point I decided that other people should be able to do as they pleased as long as they didn't make me have to be someone else. I'll change for myself if I want to, and I don't feel like restricting myself. Compromise is fair, yes, but both sides need to compromise. I don't think it's any more fair of me to wander around making other people uncomfortable than it is for them to make me feel uncomfortable. I don't necessarily follow my own belief system, and I probably should take the high road, but honestly, I don't wander around telling people how terrible heterosexuality is all the time, and I don't get all in other people's faces about it. Once other people start getting in my face, all bets are off. And I don't understand how homosexuality threatens people, anyway. It's basically like saying that interracial marriage is wrong. Would we let that fly now? No way. So why is homosexuality so different? I do think that being accepting is important (and that includes being accepting of people who are dreadful human beings), but being accepting of other opinions doesn't mean you have to just let them slide. People, unfortunately, do have to be accountable for their own actions.

Of course, I'll probably change my mind again later. I'm still not sure where I am on judging other people. It's pretty hard to avoid (and I'm not sure if anyone's managed to do so yet!), but it's also kind of pointless. I need to improve my own life and my own choices before I have any room to judge other people's. I mean, mine are pretty terrible a lot of the time. Watch me be wishy-washy!

...I want to get Fidel Castro tattooed on my crotch. Seriously. People crack me up sometimes.
http://cottonandsand.com/sandandcotton/?p=594

Huzzah!

"Irrational Pisces are as slippery as the fish that symbolises their sign. They use double-speak and never give a straight answer even if they could. They are sly and non-commital. This bewildering vagueness can trick people to comply with their wishes just as fish get tricked into the fisherman's nets. Never trust them, they will fain innocence in order to get help from others. They are habitually lazy and manipulative. A Piscean will work you to the bone. They are best suited to careers where the work can be delegated ideally as 'the inspector of finished works'."

...they say that like it's a bad thing.

Soulseek

Best program ever.

Go look it up.

Pretty pretty music.



I can now say with full authority that live Coil is kind of amazing.


Weeping Cock is kind of amazing. "Oh, he's just gone to release his man-fountain." Or, perhaps, "the bringer of the yellow tide." Huh. Maybe I'll write that sort of novel for moneyyyy. My penname shall be... ALBERTINE WANGELINE. (No more working the polls for me, eh?) No, no, something else. Margaret D'Jamalfna? (No more Coil for me, eh?) Maaaaan. A. B. See? Yeah. I think I'll be A. B. See coz I'm a terrible person like that.
I honestly know someone who paid for her first year of law school by writing a romance novel. I, um, I might actually do that. I like writing. I'm good at it. Sure, it'll atrophy my BRAIN, but it'll be fun. How bad can I make it before people won't buy it?

Also. Not surprisingly enough, Kristen was right about the pronunciation of ocarina. I kind of figured (hey, who OWNS an ocarina?), but I keep forgetting...

I can't resist people who think I'm brilliant.

'tis true, 'tis true.

I also ate my weight in cheese and ice cream (not at the same time, though), so I feel kind of sick. But you know what? I like string cheese. I like McFlurries. And I wanted to eat them. So I did.

I make the best CDs. Even working within strict limitations - no hard industrial, no metal, no punk, nothing that would cause my sister's brain to explode, no Leonard Cohen or other things she knows really well - I selected songs for something that I would be proud to acknowledge as my creation! MY FRANKENSTEIN.

Mmmm, brilliant people. Whatever that means. What is brilliance? I probably should have asked more questions. I have time to figure it out, though. I may not agree, but I approve anyway, goddammit.

Huh. Now I'm fiddling around with the order of the songs as opposed to just picking songs, and I'm not sure exactly how I want it to go. Did I mention how much I love Cocteau Twins? I could marry Cocteau Twins. Just for Persephone. That's pretty much the most ridiculously glorious - or gloriously ridiculous - song in the world.

Actually, I kind of love half these songs. I should just make a CD of songs I adore to death and beyond. Just for myself. I'll bring it in the car always. I will send it to Suzanne and make her love gay people. I have no idea how that will work, but it will. Gloriously.

Glorious is my new pet word. Waaaaaaatchit.

That reminds me as to how much I hate teamwork. HATE. Isn't it supposed to be teaching... cooperation and love for my fellow (iron) man and whatnot? Because teamwork mostly teaches me that daydreaming about stabbing people in the eye is pretty much my only option.

STABBY TIME!

So THIS is what validation feels like.

I used the free blood pressure checking machine in the mall today: 111/66. Not necessarily perfect, but jesus, it's in the perfect range, I'm not going to micromanage this shit.

ONE MORE THING THEY'RE WRONG ABOUT HOOOOOOORAY.

BLAHBLAHBLAHi'mfantasticBLAHBLAHBLAH.

Besides my propensity for making vague, ambiguous statements, I mean. On the bright side, the boytoy does too, so it's all good. More or less. I don't actually know how we've managed to have any conversations at all. It's actually interesting.

Still fighting over laundry. Like I keep saying, I get the crazy honestly.

I adore Carmen. We're reading it for French class. I adore Carmen. Now that I'm actually paying attention to the words as opposed to just the pretty music (...took me long enough, eh?), it's really pretty amazing. Of course, it's more proof that I don't seem to like things that end happily. Psh, OVERrated. Not my fault if it's absolutely beautiful.

I want to go to school tomorrow so I can see Kristen's nose piercing! Eee. Also I have something to shaaaaaaaaaare. I smell like Sharpie. And soylent green. Ha, I hope not.

Prince Caspian

I really enjoyed the movie. It wasn't perfect, but it was a lot of fun.

It would have been better if Prince Caspian and Peter were GAY together, though. C'mon, who else thought they had chemistry? No? Nobody? Shit.

My only major problem with the movie was the creepy Christian parts. Maybe it's because I'm a godless heathen, but I didn't like how Susan and Lucy (and the other females) didn't get to do THAT much. Sure, Susan got to shoot things, but she didn't participate as much as I'd have liked. It was quite a bit more realistic than most fantastic depictions of women in war (especially considering her AGE), but can't we have a happy medium between the two extremes? PLEASE.

Edmund is still pretty much the best character in the movies. Lucy was adorable, Susan was attractive enough, Peter was pretty hot, but EDMUND is amazing. Just in general. Edmund always was my favorite character; to me, his vague storyline does sum up the best parts of Christianity. Forgiveness should be attainable for everyone. But that gets me started on how shortchanged Susan was - seriously, just because she wanted to be attractive she didn't make it to Heaven/Narnia. That's a liiiiiiiiiiiiiittle too old-fashioned for me. (I hope they change that in the movie(s). Purists may hate me, but JESUS, they're only based on the books. They're not the same thing. If it enhances the storyline, then I'm for it. That's obviously a subjective thing to say, blah blah blah, but it's how I feel. So there. Ha.)

Also, MOAR GAY ORGIES.

Well, at least I know where my crazy comes from!

I just had the worst fight of my life with my parents...

...about laundry.

No, seriously. I was in the middle of washing my clothes when my dad decided that he had to wash his clothes RIGHT THAT INSTANT. Instead of walking about five feet to where I was sitting, he instead decided to just take out all my clothes, put them on the floor (!), and put in his own stuff.

It went downhill from there.

O the joy.

EDIT: Don't worry, I'm overly amused myself.

Joss Whedon has a new TV series coming out soonish!

And yeah, I'm so excited.

It stars Eliza Dushku, who is pretty much one of the hottest actresses EVER. (Up there with Tricia Helfer and Summer Glau. Um. No, I don't watch too much science fiction. Noooooo.)

Also it's JOSS WHEDON, man, do I even need to elaborate?

I love Joss Whedon.

So much.



Unfortunately, it looks like Obama played the Jesus card. I'm a bit disconcerted by this. I suppose I still cling to my antiquated belief that faith should be a private matter. I still get a bit unsettled when people make a big deal out of their faith. I don't really know why; probably because I grew up without a religion, and therefore have very little experience with it. However, that's pretty silly and irrational of me. Pfft. Fear of the unknown? SO over that, thanks. I don't really think he had any other option, either, because in America, everybody loves Jesus. At the very least, everybody hates atheists. In fact, they probably feel the same way about non-religious people as I do about incredibly religious people! Not necessarily a dislike, but a fear of the unknown. And there's a lot more of them than there are of me. Not only that, after the whole Rev. Wright debacle, Obama probably feels the need to make his personal feelings (which differ quite strongly from Rev. Wright's, apparently) on religion known. It's either that or he's REALLY going to be tarred and feathered with the same brush, which he probably wouldn't appreciate. Definitely won't help him get elected. Nobody likes angry black men, I guess. Also, I really don't think religion should enter into this at all, which means that I shouldn't let his personal religious beliefs (or MY personal religious beliefs) affect my vote. Quite obviously, his religious beliefs ARE going to influence his decisions, but I think he at least does want to do the right thing. Anyone's religious beliefs are going to influence their decisions anyway, whether they're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Scientologists or atheists or whatever. It's not necessarily THE most important component, but it's going to be a factor. Unfortunately, that means I get to be a big girl, put my money where my mouth is, and assess him based on what he actually plans to do. As long as he doesn't intend on forcing his religious beliefs down my throat, at least. More importantly, I do get the feeling that while he's using religion as a political bargaining to some degree, it's also something that's genuinely important in his life and that provides him a certain degree of strength and support. That sort of religion doesn't make me uncomfortable - at least not as uncomfortable, and it's the sort of feeling that I can talk myself down from at least somewhat - and it's not something that's going to be used AGAINST people. It's for inclusion. Honestly, I think true religion is a beautiful thing. I may not share in the collective faith, but I can appreciate quite a few things about religion. Love the sinner, hate the sin. There are many things I take from religion and try to incorporate into my own life. I try not to judge. I let off steam about things and I whine about how I don't understand things, but what I want is to be able to understand where people are coming from. The question, perhaps, is where does that stop? Where do we say "so you believe that killing Jews is for the benefit of humanity? No, sorry, it doesn't work like that"? At what point is the line drawn? I suppose one generalization that could be made is that if it doesn't hurt anyone else (unless it's with their consent, if you know what I mean), it should be okay. But how do we define what "hurts" someone? It seems IMPOSSIBLE. Is it impossible? I have no idea. It'd be easy for me to say that it is impossible, but I hate doing that. Sure, I do it, but I do a lot of stupid things. I try not to, at least. Eh. Anyway. It's something to work on. All we can do is keep trying to make things better. But how do we do that? No, seriously. Where do we even start? There are a LOT of things that need improving. Some are local, some are national, some are global, some don't even fit that scope. Perhaps all we can do is try to improve ourselves as people. Do as, say, Christians are supposed to do and set examples. But that leaves the truly desperate out in the cold, because not everyone is going to be willing to try to improve, and not everyone can. So what do we do about them? Perhaps it's the slippery slope idea that scares me. Where oh where do we draw that motherfucking line? What's the difference between protecting people and screwing them over? Someone's going to get fucked up no matter what. How do we choose? The idea of the greater good... is not one that appeals. Perhaps it's necessary, but it's not something I can embrace wholeheartedly right now. I don't know. I just don't know.

From a brief glance at Obama's website, I do like his attitude. I haven't gotten to the sections on his positions on issues or on what he's done so much, but so far I'm cautiously intrigued. I also like that even in the faith section, he mentions that the rights of nonbelievers (as well as, of course, believers of all sorts of other stripes) must be preserved. That makes me happy. It's a personal bias, yes, but it's still vaguely relevant.

Ah, but I can't help wondering where all this money is going to come from. How on EARTH are we going to even start to reduce the national debt? What about health care? I really like large amounts of Obama's health care plan, but how is he going to make it work? I realize he can't very well explain exactly how he's going to do everything before he's even elected, but... eh, I don't know, crazy lingering doubts. Nobody's really going to explain anything as much as I'd like anyway. I think there's a good chance I'll be voting for Obama. This is an excellent step up from what I've been thinking previously: "Not Clinton. Probably not McCain, probably not Obama. Um... yeah." That, unfortunately, doesn't work so well. What I'm trying to do is figure out who's the least of all evils. I'm going to vote, dammit. I'm going to vote for the person who I think is going to fuck the country up the least, and then I'll have earned my right to bitch and whine the good old-fashioned way. It's a pity it takes SO much research, though. I mean, I have to... try to find everyone's speeches, I have to read everyone's stances on issues, I have to try to think about this shit... man oh man. I'm afraid it would be much more fun if I weren't busy doing other things. Alas.

Fuck this, I'm taking a nap.

Too much Dostoevsky.

• Pier Paolo Pasolini
• Ingmar Bergman
• Luis Buñuel

Finally, a list of directors I need to investigate further. Sure, it's short, but that's life. Or is it? All three deal with that, perhaps. What "that" refers to is hardly your business, anyway.

Buñuel does surrealist movies, which obviously appeal to me. I don't remember where exactly I read about him, but I somehow link him with Pasolini, which is obviously a good thing.

Bergman does crazy bleak movies, so far as I can tell. My sister has watched some of his movies, though I'm not sure what she thought. It's been a while.

Pasolini... where to start? "If you know that I am an unbeliever, then you know me better than I do myself. I may be an unbeliever, but I am an unbeliever who has a nostalgia for a belief." He did a movie version of 120 Days Of Sodom. Do I need to elaborate? I don't think so.

What is the point of life? Why bother? We die. Life is pointless, life is ridiculous, it doesn't make any sense. We're all thoughtlessly cruel. Nothing lasts. Everything changes. Why should death, then, be any different? Fearing death is no healthier than... questioning the point of life, I suppose, and I try to stick to one "philosophical" vice at a time. It's quite healthier that way.

I desperately want to watch The City Of Lost Children, but maybe I need to stop exposing myself to so many bleak things. Too much Dostoevsky, too much Coil, too much goddamn Leonard Cohen. I'd believe in Lenny over Jesus Christ any day, thanks. Bleak, but honest. And beautiful. I suppose I lack a certain "joie de vivre" that's necessary to really do anything for the sheer fun of it. It's always possible I will turn out to be one of those wacky geniuses, but I'm probably doomed to a life of mediocrity. That's just how it goes, really. Whatever I do will be for myself, and it will make me... happy. That's really all I can ask for.

No, no, Twice Upon A Time is hardly bleak, and I think The Mouse And His Child isn't either. Either that or everything's bleak. Certainly anything can be taken as bleak if you try hard enough, but the opposite is also true.

The point of life is to live, I suppose. So live I will. What other choice do I have?

NO MORE PHILOSOPHY FOR ME LOLOLOLOLOL. I'll stick to philolsophy from here on out, thanks.

My subconscious GOMEZ GONZALEZ voice is smarter than I am.

I ought to have a boytoy sooner or later. (Unless I screw up, but I seem to have done an OK job so far. I have no idea why, but that's okay.) YES. I have ALWAYS WANTED A BOYTOY. My life is finally close to being worthwhile.

We may go skydiving. Which sounds like fun. Terrifying, but fun.

I love the Windmill theme song. It's pretty much the most glorious thing I've ever listened to - for some reason, it really makes me think.

Best of all, I now know how to identify a pickle! Those things are kind of disgusting. So are sandwiches. At least I've been to IHOP now... it could be worse. I guess.

Actually, now I know someone who doesn't mind that I'm... vague, indecisive, and more or less incapable of being straightforward. This is an improvement. Obviously, I'm really happy.

...I really, really, really want to do the well in Ocarina of Time. Right now. But I want to do it in orderrrrrrrrrrrr. I don't feel motivated enough to play anyway. I am far too excited to have any manual skills whatsoever. I may have spilled about half a bottle of water all over me just a few minutes ago, to be honest. Alas! I'm a little clumsy by nature, I suppose.

ohgod. I'm going to have to call GOMEZ GONZALEZ*. ohgodthat'sgoingtobeinteresting. ohgodohgodohgod. It's about time I have something to trade her though - now she can talk about boytoy #6 and I can talk about boytoy #0! YES. This will work.

Being straightforward is overrated anyway.

*names changed to protect the innocent, seriously

The New Backwards is pretty good.

I've only listened to it a few times, but it's really growing on me. It's recent Coil (after the death of Coil, because there ain't nothin' more badass), which means that it's wacky electronica. It's oddly transcendent. Shoot me for typing that. It's excellent for thinking and for those odd dreams I love so much.

Rigor is the key. It distracts the mind, yes? My mucus has been telling me this. Where's my sewing kit? I seem to have... misplaced it.

The future cannot come soon enough.

And I don't mean this weekend, either. This weekend is going to be me taking a diagnostic test, me sewing, me playing Ocarina of Time, and me driving. Fun? Yeah, but it's not going to solve any dilemmas, either. Well, okay, there's only one dilemma to solve, but it's a doozy. (Shush, I'm feeling "retro," also known as "ridiculous." Ain't no difference thar.)

I'm getting even more sick of, uh, pretty much everyone, which is probably what I get for befriending ridiculously over-romantic teenage girls. [I'm going to make a series of sweeping generalizations here because I'm grumpy, but don't think I mean it. Much. OH WAIT LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.] Something that nobody seems to understand is that life is not like a movie, and not everyone has a life comparable to yours. Just because in the movies everything works out perfectly and the good guys have a happily ever after with true love and everything doesn't mean it works like that in real life. If you take a leap of faith, you're quite likely to get screwed over. Don't encourage me in wishful thinking, because I can do that well enough on my own. If I need help in anything, it's in keeping myself grounded! I don't do that well! I naturally tend towards the romantic view of life, because... it's prettier, I suppose. I'm silly enough to think like that. It's really silly to just offer one point of view when it comes to that sort of thing. Maybe I'm just bad at having only one point of view. Hard to say. Also. Just because some people have lax parents doesn't mean that everyone else does There's really only so much I can do if I want to go to college. Or eat. Or see my friends outside of school. And since school's over in a month or less... yeah, no, I don't have much wiggle room at all. Sure, I'm working it, but don't make it more difficult for me by implying that if I just do whatever I want, things will work out fine. No, they won't. They haven't in the past, and they certainly won't in the future. Psh, not if I don't take care of things myself.

Um. Anyway. That wasn't a big fat ramble at all. What's really irritating is that I don't really have anyone I can bounce theories off've, mostly because either they're ridiculously romantic, they're really busy, or they seem quite uninterested. Overly romantic people are not liable to be helpful to me right now, I feel guilty bothering busy people, and I'm really not interested in trying to work out other people's motives right now. I'm busy with my new game. I probably ought to do something wacky like write out pretty much everything I know that's fact and everything I know that's speculation; then I can place everything into categories and formulate different ideas that will flow together to help me form some kind of plan. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I need a plan. He's not getting away. At the very least, we are going to be friends. If we're not already. Which, um, I think we are. O the MIRTH. More or less, I don't really meet that many people who I click with. Other people are more lucky in that sort of thing, but I like my people better. Quality over quantity...

Mmmm, theories. It just needs to be Monday already.

Oh MAN, why didn't I think of calling Rrita? I need to call Rrita and Gina. For serious, y'allz. Man o man, I missssssssssssssssssssss Rrita and Gina. I miss my COSMOS buddies. *whine* I don't know, they were just... better than the people here are. I hate to say it, but it's true. I don't actually hate to say it, of course, I just like pretending. Pfffffffffffft, no, but I miss having nerdy friends. It had to be said. And people who I can have discussions with who don't get all aggressive and defensive and crap. I have two or three friends like that here, but still. COSMOS was just totally different.

DEADFALL.

I love Deadfall.

And Born/Dead.

And Black Flag.

There's nothing more fun than wandering around all by yourself listening to bands like that on a really high volume. YEAH.

C'est tout.

Silly allergies.

Allergies make me feel sick and tired and I have a sporadic appetite. I am very very very very very hungry until I get some food, and then the very idea of eating sickens me. And the inside of my mouth tastes all funny. I'm thirsty all the time too. Aaaaand now I'm afraid I have diabetes or something. Thanks, parents. Thanks a BUNCH. Pfft, I just worry too much.

People are still disgustingly romantic and touchy-feely. Pfft, I don't mind it sometimes I suppose, but still! Here's the thing: there are arguments for and against both sides that I could make about the situation. And they're all pretty goddamn compelling, if you ask me. I'm not saying that it's appropriate to be a total downer and to say that nothing's ever going to happen and that life sucks and blah blah blah, but it's also not appropriate to assume that everything is absolutely perfect just like the movies ohmygawd! Just... shut up. That doesn't help. I'm certainly a bit of a cynic by nature (or so I hear...), but that doesn't mean I'm not right a lot of the time. And when I say a lot of the time, I mean all the time. Obviously. Of course, blatant threats (or, perhaps, "threats") don't help either, which reminds me as to why I used to be so picky about my friends. I still am, it's just that it's harder and harder to get rid of these people. I don't know, maybe I'm just going to start brushing people off. "Not now, I need to think." Funny thing is I really do need to think.

You're all the same, you're all the fucking same.

Romantics irritate me.

Yeah, I said it! I personally think that... there's really not enough conclusive evidence either way, and at least as much against as for. And you know what? That's perfectly fine. Jesus cockmuncher Christ. I just hope those romantics don't meddle.

Pfft, I've been shamed into cleaning my room because his is neater than mine, and that's not good. Mine's terrible anyway. I'm about 2% done, and it's really irritating my allergies, so I have to take a break. Too bad breathing's overrated anyway. God, I feel terrible, though.

I'm planning to wander around by myself after school tomorrow/the day after. (Though I might acquire unexpected company again... ha.) With any luck, I'll be walking to Trader Joe's, the mall, and/or Target. Not in the same day. I'm not fucking crazy. I might do Target tomorrow and TJ's/mall the day after. I need new stuff for my room, dammit! I also need moar foodz. I wish I knew how long it takes to get there by foot. Maybe I'll call some crazy kids while I walk, but I'm more or less sick of 99.99% of people.

I also need to go to Barnes and Noble so that I can buy more books. Either that or I'll just steal - I mean, relocate - the ones Katy has in her room that belong to mi madre! That sounds like a plan.

People are too similar, sometimes. Especially in unexpected ways.

Huzzah! I got my housing offer from UCLA, and I'm in a double! I'm super-happy! Huzzah indeed! The building I'm in has air-conditioning, too. Haha, how low my standards are.

Okay, serious question time - do most people think that height actually matters? It just seems so arbitrary. (Plus short people are cuuuuute. Tall people are cuuuuute. Medium people are cuuuuuute. Seriously, MOAR OPTIONZ.)

That was... pretty epic.

Yeah, it really was pretty epic.

Nice apartment... for an apartment, at least!

I guess overall today would go into the "pretty goddamn neat" category.

My faith in humanity is being restored, one bit at a time.

I've decided that I don't have very many people at my school who I'd want to refer to as friends o'mine. Because they suck monkey balls. However, I'm currently talking to someone (who isn't even in my classes... sadly) about religion, and we're actually kind of on the same page. She's a lot more of a believer than I am, but we share that basic uncertainty about religion and peer pressure and the like. And it's really interesting to hear what she thinks, too! Which makes her like the second person - well, maybe third - who I like talking to about this sort of thing. Or, uh, anything. Hooray!

Nomi Song!

Yankee Kamikaze! I'm excited! Really excited!

She's really cute. No, I mean really cute. She looks disturbingly like the artist/writer of Kagerou. Which is a good thing.

I really like Klaus Nomi. A lot. It's some weird stuff!

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII know his middle name. That's something. Ha, now I'm just wondering if he'll ever show up again. Whatever, I don't even care. I mean, I do, but... ugh.

A lot of next week is testing, which is great because I don't have to do anything.

I also got free lunch and free hall passes from the kid in my French class who I know totally likes me. It took very little effort. And hey, he volunteered the free hall passes... haha. Man, I feel like I should feel guilty, but I don't. Huzzah!

Dee dee dee, I love me some Hana music! Pretty pretty Hana music. Especially man man and Lykke Li.

Stop! Dilemma time.

I exaggerate, it's not a dilemma at all. It's merely... irritating.

I keep seeing the perfect girl. She's sarcastic, she pokes me in the boob, she goes through my stuff, she looks like Luka Delaney (who is totally my type), she has a gorgeous smile, blondish hair, brownish eyes, roundish face... and I think she's religious. Like, seriously religious. (That's what I get for going to High Life, right?) And she's probably straight, because everyone's straight these days.

GodDAMMIT. No seriously. God, this is a personal request - please, please, please damn all religions and beliefs that make it so that people can't be gay or bi if they want without being sent to hell.

Because she's really, really, really smoking hot.

I am also irritated because my current potential boytoy keeps not being at school. And he won't say what he was going to ask me. Hello, irritation city! Population 1. That being me. Nonono, but also I have to solve the puzzle. He is not helpful. That actually makes me happy in some ridiculous sort of way! I like challenges that I can win. And don't think I won't win, because I will.

Cheers, m'lovelies!

Are you shivering?

Are you shivering? Are you cold?
Are you bathed in silver or drowned in gold?
This dream's a vitality
With filaments as fine as a spider's web
Pour through your mouth
They pour through your mouth
O river of silver, O river of flowers
I lie down and shiver in your silver river
Out drips the last drop of this vital fluid

Our life has grown weary
The stars have grown old
Are you still shivering?
Are you still cold?
Are you loathsome tonight?
Does your madness shine bright?
Are you loathsome tonight?

In the oceans of the moon
Swimming squidlike and squalid
This bright moon is a liquid
The dark earth is a solid

This is moon music in the light of the moon

Cheers,
kiiziie

Girls are dreadful gossips.

And being interrogated is creepy.

I think people just irritate me, though. Minus about five people, who may or may not actually exist.

No, but seriously - it's disturbing that people would actually... discuss me, my personal habits, whatever. It's been mentioned by certain people before (often third parties), even along the lines of "so, some random person who you don't really talk to says that you do this. Do you?" That's just weird. Eh, I don't really know why, perhaps I'm overly private by nature? It's also odd when people say things such as "I noticed you do such-and-such when you're feeling such-and-such." I suppose I can understand noticing such behavior (it's rather hard not to!), but commenting on it? It's mostly odd when it's people I wouldn't expect to have any sort of emotional investment in my behavior do so. I don't particularly mind - in some people I'd say it's rather charming, though some people could do virtually anything and I'd still be quite beguiled - but it's rather... perplexing. I don't particularly think of myself as appearing interesting enough to be noticed by the majority of people, let alone discussed. Certainly I can be amusing when approached - amusing, sarcastic, whatever you'd prefer to think of it as - but I am quite reserved in the majority of my classes, simply because I don't like people. Perhaps I've underestimated my classmates in thinking that they don't particularly notice the quiet ones? I couldn't say.

Perhaps it's because I rarely derive any great amount of joy from gossip and the like. Idle chatter is pleasant enough, but not particularly interesting, and talking about people I barely know strikes me as being pointless.

Oh, people are so delightfully pretentious, aren't they? It's rather enjoyable to watch. What critical thinking? Quite a few people think they have excellent critical thinking skills when they don't. Rather, they don't seem to from my perspective. I personally wouldn't want to say that I have excellent critical thinking skills. I certainly know that I'm prone to swallowing lies whole if I don't watch out, which I sometimes do, sometimes don't. It's rather difficult for me - or anyone else, even - to independently assess their own skills.

Superiority is one thing when you can assume the position of power, but it's amusing to watch from the bottom when it's blatantly unwarranted. O, I expect I appear the same way, as does everyone. Don't they? Mm. I'm rather tired of all this... backlash against people who aren't accepting enough of people who are different from them. It does strike me as hypocrisy. It's just a different sort of hate. It's also virtually impossible to eradicate. Take two people with very strong, very opposing views, put them in a room, and they are going to clash. Frequently. Can they be friends? The thing is, if you have any sort of strong moral standpoint, you ARE going to believe that it is the correct way for others to live, and it's nearly impossible to not force it on other people. It's something I struggle with. It's something that may push me into being a hermit. Like calls to like, and I haven't met anyone who's substantially like me yet. People go to one extreme, people go to another, but why pick sides? Isn't it unnecessary? It's completely arbitrary to say "I have this opinion and this opinion only." But I suppose it works out well for them. Or perhaps I do have some sort of strong, ridiculous moral standpoint that I'm not aware of. Many people are aware of other people's shortcomings while completely glossing over their own. I'm quite sure I do the same in some way. It's human nature. I do think I would be happier if I didn't have other people. Other people bore me, other people annoy me, other people are idiots. It's hard to ignore. And yet I'm sure they think the same or worse of me! I don't see why I should care what others think of me. Other people are idiots. Certain people I can't have any sort of strong fondness for anymore because they're exactly what they claim not to be. It's hilarious, but not something to respect. And if I don't respect people, I will fuck with them, and that's really not something I ought to do. Just because I can do something doesn't mean I should have to. Perhaps I have free will, perhaps I don't, but isn't it more fun to pretend that I do? It's MY goddamn life, and I'll do as I please. I don't need these people holding me back. Someday I'll add to my collection, and it will be beautiful.

Your eyes are just scribbles, Jonathan. You don't need them. You're a liar, Jonathan. You're a fucking cocksucker, Jonathan.

I hate guys.

No, seriously, make sense. Even I can manage to do it once in a while, goddammit. Also, stop being really fantastic. Fantastic nonsensical guys are really rather too much for me to deal with at the moment. Nice people piss me off, too. In that very special not way. Mostly because I don't know what they're doing or why they're doing it and it's rawther irrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrritating. But seriously, okay, I don't know if I'm really irritated or really intrigued, and it's quite probably some of both, and that kind of makes me grumpy AND elated at the same time, along with some other stuff. It's also nice to have that sort of baseline physical feeling - the crazy heart-fluttering thing, mostly - because that's really only something that's happened onceish before. And she was one special chick.

Ugh, anyway, I feel like I'm supposed to... do something, or something, but I don't know. I'm not entirely sure what I WANT to do, which means that I really SHOULDN'T do anything. Yes? No? Maybe? No idea. Not that there's really anything to do though.

On the bright side, my conversational "skills" amuse me. I managed to work in godless heathens, babies being dropped from the sky, alien abductions, and battery acid. Ha. No wonder several of my nearest and dearest tell me that I have unique conversational skills. What else is there to say? "Darling, you're batshit crazy." I think that sums it up. Ho-hum. Oh. And hot chicks. I mean, have I ever had a conversation without working in hot chicks? (In my defense, I was explaining why I thought religion was wack. Religion is wack because there ain't no hot girl-on-girl action, and is there a point to life without hot girl-on-girl action? No. I thought not, bitch.)

In other news, I really need to stop telling people to shut their pissing mouths. I do love David Firth a bit, though - the Black & White cartoons especially. Which is where that quote came from. I may use it on my special friends though. I don't see why people get all oversensitive about language and insults, personally. Especially not if it's not meant particularly seriously. Perhaps I just don't take things seriously enough? Bah. I am perpetually sincere. PERPETUALLY.

OH GOD WHAT SHOULD I DO.

1. state that didn't pass Prohibition
2. Mo(e)(w)(?)
OHNOZ MY SKILLZ HAVE FAILED ME

Religion.

I don't even affiliate with any sort of religion anymore. Even agnosticism implies that I take some sort of stance on the issue, even the stance of not having a stance. But no more. Because honestly? I don't have a religion in the sense that I don't have a sixth finger on my right hand. It's unnecessary, pointless, and not something I need to think about.

Me? Anti-religion? NO SHIT.

What a waste of time.

C'est tout!

Mais, euh, moi? J'adore Foetus. Et Virgin Prunes. Je veux acheter quelques CDs par les groupes de musique. Moi, je veux especialement "...If I Die, I Die" (par Virgin Prunes) et... Flow, Thaw, Nail, et tout les autres CDs par Foetus.

Je dois practiquer ma francais plus je que fais. C'est embarrassant. Je suis tres formidable a francais, mais je n'ai pas beaucoup d'experience, et je dois avoir cette experience d'etre... un personne vrai, peut-etre. Je ne sais pas quoi j'ai pense, mais j'ai pense quelque chose. C'est vrai. Ma vocabulaire est un peu embarrassant aussi - c'est bon pour ma language secondaire, oui, mais ce n'est pas BON. AGH.

Et oui, j'aime parler dans le francais, mais il n'y a pas les accents. C'est dommage!

Bands I need to remember.

I hate it when I see promising bands and then forget what they're called. It's rather irritating. I also hate it when I hear one or two songs by a band and I love them but I can't find anything else. (Let's not get me started on that one, actually.) And when I have something but I don't listen to it.

-Kitty Craft
-Can
-Bjork
-Tin Hat Trio
-Hawkwind
-Psychick Warriors Ov Gaia
-Bauhaus
-Catherine Wheel
-Whitehouse
-Nitzer Ebb
-Tangerine Dream
-Kraftwerk
-Muck
-Nick Cave
-Brian Eno
-The Residents
-Foetus
-Throbbing Gristle
-Clock DVA

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Who cares?

The blues are still blue!

I love my Katy, and that's all I have to say about that.

Incidentally, why oh why are there still people out there who take me seriously? How does that even make sense? Too many people are serious people. I hate serious people.

Discussion question (that actually prompted my expression of my love for my sister): What is the role of public opinion in government? Does that role change if the opinions aren't based on facts and aren't well-reasoned out? Comments, questions, concerns?

And now for the boring stuff.

Back to what Caution was saying about people - there's a difference between having a friend who is irrational and having an irrational friend. Everyone's irrational, but some people make the same goddamn mistakes over and over and over again without doing anything to try to change. And those people piss me the fuck off.

I recognize the fact that I can be a very difficult person (though I think EVERYONE's difficult in their own ways) and I work on it. I've had varying degrees of success, and I'm currently lucky enough to be in a position where I'm happy and relatively unstressed (it's all those video games), which means that I'm more-or-less in the best place I've been (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, even physically) in a long time, but I don't just give up. Just because this is the best place I've been in in a long time doesn't mean that I'm done. I have places to go, and I'm not going to be stopped just because I was born with certain flaws. Nobody's going to stop me, not even myself. Especially not myself, dammit. I may be lazy when it comes to schoolwork and other boring, pointless things (not that I have any biases there or anything), but I actively work on bettering myself. Sometimes you just have to sit back and say "is this actually a rational thing to do? Do I need to get upset about this? Do I need to feel this way? No? Okay then." It can take a lot of thinking, and it's certainly not always easy, but just because you're born a certain way doesn't mean you need to remain a certain way. I'm pretty unstable by nature, but that doesn't mean I can't work to make myself at least appear stable.

It's all about appearances, baby. Nothing more, nothing less.

Seriously though? It's hard to change. I realize it's hard. It's something I have to deal with quite a bit. I don't even know if it's paid off at all. Sometimes I don't see the point, sometimes I give up, sometimes I lapse into irrationality. But all this doesn't stop me from being... perplexed by people who constantly screw people over and who are constantly selfish (which is different from being self-centered, I think) and who constantly blatantly do not care about other people. There is absolutely no reason to be cruel to someone to their face. I do think it's one thing to about someone if it'll help you be happier. Face it, probably everyone complains about people, and probably everyone has been complained about. Is it a big deal? Not really. But it's another thing altogether to make genuinely cutting, unnecessarily cruel comments to someone's face. That honestly... I just don't understand. Maybe it's hard to overcome the bad parts of your nature, but it's worth it. It really is.

On another note, just because someone's your friend doesn't mean you necessarily have any obligation towards them. For quite some time, I've been stuck in between "if they don't change, cut them dead" (or, um, toy with them, because I have a sick sense of humor) and "if they don't change, tell them that there's a problem." However. The majority of people I know should be perfectly able to recognize that there is a problem. Did I need anyone to tell me that I was creating unnecessary problems? No. I was magically able to figure out for myself that I was being unnecessarily imperfect, and I took (and am taking) steps to work on the problems. It's really not that hard to figure out if you have any sense at all. I did it, others have done it, they can too. No micromanaging. NIKE. Just DO it, man! It may seem like it's going to kill you, it may seem hard, it may seem impossible, it may not seem like it's worth it, but just do it. Goddammit.

On yet another note, I don't understand why people are so threatened by other people. I myself used to be threatened by other people who other people thought of more highly than they did me. Not so much anymore, though it takes a little thought. But rationally, it doesn't make much sense. The abilities of other people don't actually affect me. And you know what? I don't actually know what other people think, so I might as well assume that people mean the best and think the best of me. The other option might be more accurate. It might not. I don't know. In fact, I might as well just stop thinking about it. I don't see how it matters. I am who I am. I have the skills I have. I am fantastic, and anyone who doesn't recognize that is, frankly, not worth my time.

Cheers,
kiiziie

The Best Zelda Fanfic EVAR!!!11!1!11

Disclaimer: Not mine, thankfully. Blame Caution, Weeping Cock, this one fanfiction I read once and couldn't find again, and TEH INTARNETZ. Oh, and Luka Delaney for the thetans quote.


Once upon a time there was a young boy named Link who saved the world a lot. Even though he was very young, he was very manly, and everyone who met him ever in his entire life commented on this fact like a billion times - in fact, almost as many times as he had saved the world.
One day he woke up to find a message in his pants. The message read: "My dearest Link, the Gorons are in need once more of your manly yet strangely alluring presence. Please come as soon as you are able. Signed, Darunia, King of the Gorons."
Link promptly whipped out his one-eyed purple-headed yogurt-slinger and went at it vigorously. Three years later, he thought he had finally done as the letter requested and came. However, Navi explained to him that Darunia wanted him to actually, physically travel to the land of the Gorons, as opposed to merely helping Mr. Kleenex's kids through college, so Link went to the land of the Gorons.
Darunia greeted Link with a giant, bone-crushing hug. Link stared nervously at the crusty old-man nipples located perilously close to his young innocent face. "Link! It's about time you got here! I need you to BEAR MAH ASS-BAYBEEZ!"
Link edged away, a look of horror - or was it desire? It's so hard to tell these days - in his eyes. Darunia simply yet forcefully would not take no for an answer, and blatantly ripped off Link's clingingly tight, well, tights to reveal Link's hidden treasure. Darunia put his pulsating mouth on Link's coiled manstick and began to suck and slurp away with relish. Darunia's lovepistol was soon primed and began to weep with sheer joy.
Just as Link was about to ooze manjuice from the force of Darunia's sucking and slurping, Darunia suddenly bit Link's throbbing totem pole in half! OHNOEZ! As Link shrieked in horror - or perhaps lust - Darunia's Eiffel Tower gave up and sent forth a lusty, vibrant shower of miniature Gorons, each shaped like a tiny dick-like protuberance. The miniature dick-shaped Gorons leapt up and gobbled up both Link and Darunia, with only a few bones and one purple-headed womb ferret left behind to tell the sad tale.
Suddenly, thetans! Thousands of them! Rocks fall, everybody dies. The End.

People are stupid.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.

Stupid enough that I have to question how they can even breathe. Good GRIEF people, it's not THAT HARD. I think I only know like three people who I'd trust to not be terminally moronic.

...not to be a downer or anything. OH WAIT! Never mind.

Cheers!
-moi

Two penises here.

My current basic list:

1. Horse Rotorvator – Coil
2. Safe As Milk – Captain Beefheart
3. Black Ships Ate The Sky – Current 93
4. Your Children Placate You From Premature Graves – The Legendary Pink Dots
5. Treasure – Cocteau Twins
6. Trans-Europe Express – Kraftwerk
7. Red Mecca – Cabaret Voltaire
8. Too Dark Park – Skinny Puppy
9. Blood – This Mortal Coil
10. Bone Machine – Tom Waits
11. Songs – Leonard Cohen
12. Front By Front – Front 242
13. Naïve – KMFDM
14. The Land Of Rape And Honey – Ministry
15. Homotopy To Marie – Nurse With Wound
16. Serpent’s Egg – Dead Can Dance
17. Idylls – Love Spirals Downwards
18. Bergtatt – Ulver
19. Aqualung – Jethro Tull
20. Nighttime Birds – The Gathering

Reality? What reality?

Who gives a shit about reality? Reality has stupid people and a bunch of boring stuff. Video games let you kick people in the face. Repeatedly.

I have beautiful standards.

Velvet Resurrection

I want to believe in the nobility of the human spirit.
I want to believe that mankind is essentially good
and that the horror I see and the horrors I hear about
are simply the last cries of a dying spectre that haunted our
fragile globe for just too long.
I want to believe that we are about to peel off the mask with which
this spiteful God has been frightening us.
I want to believe that we will not dance on his defeated rotting body,
for that would grant him victory in death.
I want to believe that we will peel away the masks with which we
frightened each other.
I want to believe that no new spectre will replace the one that died
that we can stand alone,
respect one another,
love one another,
respect and cherish life in all its shapes and sizes
while continuing to evolve.
I want to believe that mankind will never be too arrogant to abandon
its quest for an ultimate answer.
I want to believe that this ultimate answer remains a simple question.
I want to believe that even I could answer this question.
I want to believe all of these things.
I want to believe all of these things and more.

But, you've caught me at a bad moment and I can't.

Trans-Europe Express

I am not at all ashamed to admit that I am dancing to a Kraftwerk CD. Crazy pretty electronica!

I can't decide if I should be ashamed or not. I'm going with no. Because it's so catchy.

Everything looks worse in black and white.

Even though I go to the religious youth group every so often (and plan to start going more), I'm not now religious and don't particularly want to be religious. I have quite a few close friends who are quite religious, and I definitely find it interesting to talk to them, but at the end of the day? Believing in any sort of religion is like believing in alien abductions. There isn't any real proof. I'm actually having a bit of a hard time believing anything, at least in the abstract - I do feel relatively comfortable believing in the existence of gravity as it affects my life (as in, I do feel relatively comfortable believing that I'm not about to float off... sadly), but I don't really see why we can be 100% sure that our concept of gravity is the one true answer. I'm having a hard time believing that there's only one answer even for mathematical equations. There is as far as we know, but frankly, we used to believe all sorts of crazy stuff. Spontaneous generation, anyone? Or puppet shows are perfectly educational projects for seniors in advanced biology classes? Wait, that's still apparently firmly held.

New information is always going to pop up. I don't think it's possible to say that this is going to be always impossible. Something may be impossible to do now with the information we currently have, but who knows what's going to happen in the future? Maybe we'll merge with aliens and be able to comprehend all the deep secrets of the world. Maybe that sounds impossible, but if you had brought up the concept of the internet (or women's rights) to people 2000 years ago, you'd get some really funny looks. And you'd probably get burned as a witch. Oh the mirth.

I don't see why I'm constantly expected to have just one opinion on any given topic. Just because most people are incredibly limited in their ability to see other points of view (though there are several people - maybe even five! - out there who have one opinion about things who can see other points of view, this is not the majority of people) doesn't mean I have to be. Don't drag me down with you.

Not my fault I'm different. I like it.

Nothing is real.

And I'm thankful for that.

You know those days where you just seriously want to hurt someone?

Yes, you. Come here.

I'm actually super-happy because I have super-fancy socks and they're gorgeous. Now if only I were pretty enough to pull them off... haha.

And I have oyster crackers.

So basically what we're getting at here is I'm super-shallow. And kind of petty. And likely to stab you in the eye.

When did I get so cynical?

Either he's trying to impress me or he's mocking me, and I'm going with the latter.

It doesn't matter.

I don't waaaaaaaaaaaaant to make up my mind.

Besides being bitter about being smart, I'm also bitter about relationships. Maybe I'm just bitter about everything! Who knows? I don't.

But seriously. The good news is I'm interested in someone new. The baaaaaaaaaad news is I don't think he's interested in me. ohnoez. On the bright side, we're sort-of-not-really-talking on myspace. Ugh, whatever. I don't even care anymore.

Also, how can I not love a chick who quotes from A Black And White Cartoon About Berries? David Firth makes sexy cartoons. I'm just sayin'. If I could be reincarnated as anyone, I'd want to be reincarnated as David Firth. (And how can I not love a chick who thinks that I could be a David Firth-type person? Seriously. "It's wierd (sic). It's like something you'd do." Fine, so that was like... 5 years ago (holy SHIT that's a long time), but it still holds true.)

Goddammit.

So back to the gifted thing: "Truly gifted children are marginalized in most schools, and often become underachievers. Gifted children are often not the head of their class. Bright children tend to be the achievers, not gifted children. Gifted children are misfits in the educational system."

That's assuming that gifted kids are in the top 2% of IQ tests, obviously. Anyway. Speaking as a highly alienated gifted kiddie, yeah. The thing is, I never learned the importance of working hard, because I never had to. I certainly should take the majority of the blame for that (at least in this stage of my life - hello, legal adult here), but it's a lot harder to start now than it would have been if anyone had ever bothered to explain that you really do have to put in effort. At least in the real world. Too bad I don't have to yet.

One more thing - I'm completely infuriated by the fact that everyone seems to think that there's only one right answer in the fuzzy languages and arts. Um, hell no. The worst thing is that they all pay lip service to the idea that "oh sure there are plenty of answers blah blah blah," but they really don't believe it. Psh.

Gifted Kiddies

Why yes, I'm still trying to find out everything I can about "gifted" children. NOBODY has any "official" definitions of gifted. I've heard a couple plausible-sounding definitions from my peers (most notably Caution!, as her definition was both interesting and quite different from everyone else's - and it dovetailed quite nicely with mine!), but I stillllll want to know what the official definition is. That way I can scoff blatantly at it. (My current personal definition is something along the lines of a "creative genius." Brilliant and inspired. Gosh, I have no idea, never mind.) Aha. But wikipedia to the rescue! Wikipedia tells me basically that intellectually gifted kids aren't challenged by the normal school curriculum. I wonder what the word is for kids who aren't challenged by the curriculum? Terminally gifted, maybe. I think I like it. But seriously, we're too fucking elitist as it is.

I found an intriguing-looking podcast on gifted kids. I haven't had time to listen to much of it, but it could be good. I also found something about how gifted kids test in the 97th percentile of "intelligence tests" (which I do not trust at ALL, thankyouverymuch)... and, embarrassingly enough, my first thought was along the lines of "that low? Maaaaan, that's lame." I don't think I've ever tested below the (high) 99th percentile, except on those tests where you're being tested on what you've been taught. Mostly because I haven't been taught anything by a professional in, uh, years. I may never have been. I did learn to lie, but I don't think that's tested. Sad, really. Anyway, I don't really like intelligence tests because they are frequently skewed towards one specific sort of intelligence. Not always true, but sometimes. I'd like a gifted test in which a couple people (one at a time, probably) talked directly to these kids. Now THAT would be interesting.

Assuming (big assumption here) we take "gifted" to be "incredibly intelligence," people are waaaaaaaaaay overdiagnosing kids as being "gifted." These days, basically anyone who can spell "the" reliably is being diagnosed as gifted! "OMG! My daughter just said mommy for the first time at age 9! She's GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFTED!" Seriously. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. When did being average become so terrible, anyway? Basically, the majority of people are going to be "average." It's not the end of the world. People have been dealing with being average for ages. Get over it.

However, the "average" people are getting smarter. At least theoretically. Quite a few parents are focusing more and more on making their precious little kiddies into brilliant little buggers. There really should be the option for anyone to take challenging classes whenever they want. Not just "gifted" kids will benefit from being challenged. I promise. Not that "gifted" kids are really getting challenged either. Ah, my personal pet peeve. I was identified as "gifted" at some point in my early years. I got moved into the special "gifted" classes. For the next few years of my education, I spent my time drawing cave paintings, acting out Greek mythology, and being one of the only kids who were: 1. smart, 2. creative, and 3. interested in learning. Surprisingly enough, I was bored out of my mind in those classes. I stopped doing my homework. And you know what? Nothing's changed. My IB classes now do not challenge me. At all. And, um, I don't do my homework very often either. This is going to come back and bite me in the ass at some point, but hopefully I'll have enough challenging work to overlook the inevitable drudge work.

Honestly, I think people just need to be challenged more and taught in whatever style helps them learn best. And seriously, cut down the homework level! After a certain point, extra homework just isn't useful. And that's just how it is.

Ah. And according to this handy-dandy little graph-chart-thing, giftedness IS IQ-based. I don't know my exact IQ, but I'm likely anywhere from "highly gifted" to "profoundly gifted." According to the internet. The internet also tells me I'm psychic. Obviously, I trust what the internet tells me quite a bit. But seriously, who cares? It's interesting in the sense that my zodiac sign is interesting - amusing, but not actually relevant to my life.

Cheers,
kiiziie

Lesbians are unappreciated.

Especially in fanfiction. There's all the straight couples and then there are gay men having buttsecks! It's good clean fun for the whole family! Or something like that. But where are the lesbians? Lesbians are hot. Except when they're Rosie O'Donnell.

Actually, I think I figured something out here. (I mean, besides the fact that 95% of fanfiction romance writers are CHICKS, and therefore aren't turned on by chicks-on-chicks. They want some penis, yo! Penii make everything better. This is a scientifically proven fact.) No, no, but seriously - think about the stereotypes. Straight women and straight men are allowed to stray outside their stereotypes (and are frequently boring - yeah, I said it!) because they're the norm. Or considered the norm. [Speaking of which, I don't trust surveys about who's gay and who's not. Probably some people are ear-deep in denial. Like, about 85% of the population. Some other people won't admit it. Some people are repressed. Blah, blah, blah.] Gay men are... supposed to be like highly stereotypical women, basically. Emotional, fond of fashion, theatrical, moody, etcetera. And they have penii! C'mon, don't you want to see duelling penii? Ahaha. Seriously though. People basically worship penii in at least American culture. More or less. (Too bad boobies are more fun, but whatever.) Gay women are supposed to be like highly stereotypical men, except without penises. And what's the point of a man if you don't get a penis in the bargain? That's just fucking pointless. No pun intended. Oh wait, no, I think I did mean that one. Subconsciously.

I would elaborate on how this actually does show that society is a pretty fucked-up place to be, but, um, I got distracted by the very idea of breasts and lost my train of thought. Besides, it's pretty obvious - any society that doesn't completely worship breasts is a society with some major issues, man. Isn't that obvious?

This pointless, scattered, and completely underwhelming post was brought to you by Teh Intarnetz and the pit of voles! Which I actually don't check. Ever. Because ain't nuthin' worse than fanfiction.net. I'd like to take my 15 seconds of fame and point out that I love you if you have penii! Otherwise, feel free to SUCK IT.

Cheers,
kiiziie

My favorites sections make me look like a pretentious asshole.

I'm just the worst person ever! By which I mean that I am amazing and I have beautiful taste in things.

But we already knew that.

Waitnowaitno! I have been saved by the redeeming power of MOVIES. Because my favorite movies are... a mixed bag. I'm just going to say it straight-up: I like science fiction action comic book movies. In fact, I love them. This fact, I think, redeems my spontaneous adoration for obscure music and highly acclaimed books. And plays. I LOVE plays.

Speaking of which, Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are so overrated that I would not be sad if either or both of them disappeared from the fucking planet.

Luukas has decided that I'm a really cool archconservative.

I'm duly amused.

Luukas is really cool. He's the guy who thought he'd solved free will when he was drunk, okay? Do I need to elaborate? I think not.

Actually, I'm pretty tickled by the fact that all of my sister's friends think I'm just super-cool. I haven't even met most of them. Am I arguing, though? No way!

Ah, today is a good day. Except for the fact that my sister has been 20 for aboutish a whole day. I mean, yikes!

Oh, the places you'll go... to score crack!

Inappropriate Children's Books.

Gay marriage will make your dad pregnant. Thank the Nonexistant Lord for small mercies, eh?

I'm changing my name to Snack Jesus.

Because it's time to start blahgging about food! And buildings. Snap. I don't have anything to say about buildings except for the fact that I did see a Church Of Scientology building. I didn't get any pictures. Sad.

I would make a spectacular Snack Jesus because I like snacks and I like Jesus. OK, so maybe I lied, but only half the time! Seriously. Snacks > Jesus. It's a simple mathematical equation. I'm going to put that on the next calculus test. That'll go over well.

Suddenly I don't want to go to college. I'm completely unprepared. I do know I'll be able to do extraordinarily well once I get the hang of, oh, working, but I almost wish I had worked ridiculously hard in high school. It'd be for no real reason, certainly, but at least I'd be able to be comparatively lazy in college. On the other hand, I don't think working ridiculously hard is a habit I want to have. Not considering how... ah... attached I can get to my habits. It's frequently not pretty.

And overall, I will do fantastically, because... don't I always? Yes, I do. It cannot be denied! I have failed before, and I will again, but I will succeed in the end. I always do. I won't get everything I want. I may not even get everything I need. But I will get enough of what I want and enough of what I need to be utterly satisfied. I used to crave perfection. Now I crave beauty. I am beautiful, and I can be - will be - satisfied with this.

I am doing what I do best. Whatever that is.

Senior Ditch Day

I may or may not be showing up for first period, and I'm probably not showing up for the rest of the day. It's all good.

I must say, I hate people who abuse animals. Nobody has to like animals. Some people just don't like animals, and you know what? That's not a problem. At all. (Okay, I also hate it when people say that everyone should love animals. Note my phrasing.) But you do not kick a sweet indoor house cat. Is it that hard to understand? That's at least as bad as kicking a two year old. At least two year olds have societal protection, for the most part, and animals can't defend themselves against humans that effectively. I don't think I'm that huge of a fan of humanity right now. So many people are completely self-absorbed, self-centered, and selfish. Obviously some degree is human and not at all a bad thing, but seriously, other living creatures have feelings and rights too. Is it that hard to understand? I mean, really now.

I've been listening to a rather obscene amount of Coil recently. Although I love everything I've heard by them, I naturally gravitate towards their first three CDs - Scatology, Horse Rotorvator, and Love's Secret Domain. Scatology is what I would consider the most "industrial" of the three - it's certainly the most spontaneous and alive. It's filled with unexpected, quirky, synthetic electronic noises. Horse Rotorvator is by turns bleak and beautiful, and frequently both. It's haunting, gripping, macabre, deranged, serene music. Perhaps that sounds contradictory, but I assure you, it's not. Love's Secret Domain hides its beauty behind disorganized, chaotic bursts of noise. Plus it sounds like a party! Seriously now, and who cares about anything if it doesn't sound like a party?

...someone buy me Transparent already. Man, I'm going to be broke when I get to buy my own money. It's going to involve "sure, I can spend $130 on a used CD that I already have all the song files for!" Shush, Horse Rotorvator is worth it.

Um. I really want this. Even though it's an LP. I don't care. Does logic play into this? No. Not even a little bit. It's beautiful. Bah, if only I had money. I also kind of want the absinthe release. I'm suddenly really angry that I was born too late to really know Coil when Jhonn Balance was still alive. I'm also really angry that their stuff is so goddamn hard to find. (A lot of good music is hard to find - Current 93, The Legendary Pink Dots, Throbbing Gristle, Psychic TV... yeah, the big-brand bands, whatever.) Oh well! We'll always have the memories.

Speaking of which, there is a difference between being curvy and fat. Curvy involves having your waist-to-hip ratio be about 0.7 or something like that. It actually has a definition. I definitely approve of destigmatizing obesity - how is it anyone's place to judge what weight people are? Yes, being obese is usually bad for your health. So is being severely underweight. It doesn't mean you should be able to comment on either extreme. Or anyone's weight. It's an easy trap to fall into (and I've done it before) but people frequently feel like they can freely comment on weight. Ugh. I think society would be a lot better off if everyone just stopped talking.

Red Letters

I finally got around to listening to Red Letters, and I must say, I really like it. It's not the best CD in the world, but it's utterly charming. I mean, hello, it's by Edward Ka-Spel, which means that it's at least interesting and quirky. Edward Ka-Spel is frequently brilliant, at any rate, and I always find his music peculiarly soothing and (perhaps) enchanting.

And honestly, track 8 (Swamp Thing / Simone Is / Red Letters / Katha) is probably one of the most beautiful, haunting songs I've heard in my entire life. Especially I believe the Simone Is section, though it's very hard to tell which parts of the song correspond to which parts of the title (which I quite like).

More later, when I'm feeling a bit less... whatever.

Is there anything worse than high school?

Serious question. Is there? Because right now, I'm not seeing it.

People need to shut up and listen to classical music.

In fact, I need to take my own advice and do the same thing.

I do have a good working knowledge of whatever classical composers my parents or my sister like, as well as whatever I've managed to pick up on my own (which is very little). I know Mozart, Bach, Chopin, Beethoven, Handel, Haydn, Prokofiev, Rimsky-Korsakov, Segovia, Tchaikovsky, Vivaldi, and quite probably some other composers quite well.

Is this enough? I say no.

...looks like I'm off to go do research on Russian composers, because there ain't nuthin' better than Russians! Ever. (Except maybe Czechs. Oh, choices... so hard.)

And who shall I say is calling?

People these days have terrible taste in music. It's not even that that bothers me so much, though - it's the fact that these people don't even realize this. They all think "oh hey, I listen to the best bands on the planet! I'm totally cool, man," which would be fine if the bands mentioned weren't, say, Nine Inch Nails, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, or any other sort of bland, pointless, overrated pap. So fine, I'm judgmental. However, I'm right.

It would be one thing if people actually knew anything about music. But no, there are people out there who think that Nine Inch Nails broke a lot of musical ground and invented industrial music and all that stuff. You know, it takes about two minutes (if that) of searching the internet to find out that hey, guess what? THAT'S COMPLETELY WRONG. Nine Inch Nails is, at best, a toned-down version of, say, early Skinny Puppy.

More or less, it seems to me that people are getting lazy and complacent. No, not getting - are. This is really nothing new. Honestly, it makes me miss the days of classical music (yes, I'm one of those people), simply because classical music frequently has meaning as well as being attractive to the ear. It's not just pleasing. It's thought-provoking, it's unique, it's different. I don't think music has to be challenging to the ear, but it should be interesting for the mind as well as for the ear. People seem content to listen to the same old things that don't really mean anything, and that strikes me as depressing.

Not to read too much into this or anything. Doesn't mean I'm not right, though!

Cheers,
kiiziie

PS - A quote that I particularly liked: "Sometimes I hate you, but always I love you." It's something important to keep in mind, yes?

Fine, so I lied.

This isn't really a blog about buildings and food. So sorry. Better luck next time!

Here, have some Sock Dreams instead.

-kiiziie