Disclaimer: Not mine, thankfully. Blame Caution, Weeping Cock, this one fanfiction I read once and couldn't find again, and TEH INTARNETZ. Oh, and Luka Delaney for the thetans quote.
Once upon a time there was a young boy named Link who saved the world a lot. Even though he was very young, he was very manly, and everyone who met him ever in his entire life commented on this fact like a billion times - in fact, almost as many times as he had saved the world.
One day he woke up to find a message in his pants. The message read: "My dearest Link, the Gorons are in need once more of your manly yet strangely alluring presence. Please come as soon as you are able. Signed, Darunia, King of the Gorons."
Link promptly whipped out his one-eyed purple-headed yogurt-slinger and went at it vigorously. Three years later, he thought he had finally done as the letter requested and came. However, Navi explained to him that Darunia wanted him to actually, physically travel to the land of the Gorons, as opposed to merely helping Mr. Kleenex's kids through college, so Link went to the land of the Gorons.
Darunia greeted Link with a giant, bone-crushing hug. Link stared nervously at the crusty old-man nipples located perilously close to his young innocent face. "Link! It's about time you got here! I need you to BEAR MAH ASS-BAYBEEZ!"
Link edged away, a look of horror - or was it desire? It's so hard to tell these days - in his eyes. Darunia simply yet forcefully would not take no for an answer, and blatantly ripped off Link's clingingly tight, well, tights to reveal Link's hidden treasure. Darunia put his pulsating mouth on Link's coiled manstick and began to suck and slurp away with relish. Darunia's lovepistol was soon primed and began to weep with sheer joy.
Just as Link was about to ooze manjuice from the force of Darunia's sucking and slurping, Darunia suddenly bit Link's throbbing totem pole in half! OHNOEZ! As Link shrieked in horror - or perhaps lust - Darunia's Eiffel Tower gave up and sent forth a lusty, vibrant shower of miniature Gorons, each shaped like a tiny dick-like protuberance. The miniature dick-shaped Gorons leapt up and gobbled up both Link and Darunia, with only a few bones and one purple-headed womb ferret left behind to tell the sad tale.
Suddenly, thetans! Thousands of them! Rocks fall, everybody dies. The End.
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1 comment:
You are my personal hero.
....hah, relish.
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